Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is the single worst piece of MCU content.

I’m not exaggerating for comedic effect. I’m not being hyperbolic to make a point. I’m stating a fact.

Now before you bring up The Incredible Hulk, or Thor: The Dark World, or whatever is at the top of BuzzFeed’s Top 10 Worst MCU list, I’m gonna save you some time. Multiverse of Madness is worse. It’s not even close. Those other films’ worst crimes are being boring. And even that’s subjective. This movie is fundamentally broken on every level.

🤓 “But that’s subjective too, Ibrahim! You can’t go around stating your opinion like it’s fact!”

Hold on there. I’m not just making baseless declarations here. I have receipts. I have references. I have proof. I can qualify my claims.

So why don’t I put my money where my mouth is? I’m gonna take you through this clusterfuck of a movie, scene by scene, and I’m gonna go over all the reasons why it was written by a mushroom.

And we’re gonna have fun and you’re gonna like it.

I hope you’re ready because that’s all the verbal lubrication you’re gonna get before I come in hard and fast with my big ol plot analysis. If you don’t feel like going scene-by-scene, I have a helpful summation at the bottom of this doc. Feel free to head there if you want the short (relatively speaking) version of my assessment (though you’ll miss out on all the fun).

Otherwise…here we go.

PLOT BREAKDOWN

PROLOGUE (Defender Strange and America Chavez)

We open on an action sequence! We’re in the middle of…uh…

Where the fuck are we?

Anyway, Doctor Strange (who has a ponytail?) and a young girl are running from the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Ponytail Strange is a multiversal variant. He uses some magic we’re not familiar with (it’s blue instead of orange), which freezes the Spaghetti Monster for a bit. Doctor Strange and the girl converse with each other in Spanish before inexplicably switching back to English for the rest of this scene.

Okay?

The two are headed for a magical book called the Book of Vishanti. Apparently the mission is to get to the book before Spaghetti Monster takes the girl’s power.

Wait, why are you running my dude? You’re Doctor Strange. Shouldn’t you have a sling ring, or some equivalent? I guess I’ll assume he doesn’t. This is the multiverse, after all, and obviously he’d use it if he could.

Our spaghetti friend breaks free of the freeze spell and continues the chase. Ponytail Strange tries to trap him with some kind of binding spell but it doesn’t quite hold. I feel like you should use the freeze spell again? It didn’t kill it, but it kept it at bay for a decent amount of time. Anyway, Ponytail Strange decides it’s only a matter of time before the creature breaks free and steals the girl’s (her name is America Chavez) power, so he decides to take it instead. Thus, he engages the BIG SUCC. He reasons that “she can’t control the power, but he can.” America starts freaking out because this will apparently kill her, and Ponytail Strange gives the same line our Strange did in No Way Home: “In the grand calculus of the multiverse, your sacrifice means more than your life.”

I know you’re trying to be really pragmatic here and everything, Ponytail Strange, but perhaps you should try fighting this creature off before you kill your friend here? Or, you know, freeze it again? That seemed to work pretty well. You are allowed to use the same spell twice, right? If you succ the power now, the monster will just succ it off you, and God knows what kind of horror he’ll wreak with it. I hate to go here, but if you really want to be pragmatic and make sure the creature doesn’t take the power, then you should probably just kill America. Like, through normal means, without using the Big Succ. Just let the power die with her.

I know how it must sound that I’m suggesting child murder this early in the review. But you have to understand, Ponytail Strange has committed to killing her right here already. And he’s acting like taking her power is the only choice he has when 1) it isn’t and 2) it’s not even a solution.

Before Ponytail Strange can finish succing America…horror! The monster stabs him right into the chest, killing him. Spaghetti Boi grabs America with his tentacles and starts succing her dry. America then goes into the fucking Avatar State and opens a star-shaped portal into another dimension. Ponytail Strange uses the last of his strength to use a cutting spell to slice Spaghetti Monster’s tentacles clean off.

I’m sorry?? You had the means of maiming this creature the entire time and you opted for some one-time-use trap spells and running away?? The limbs don’t seem to regenerate. Why didn’t you open with the cutty move? Did you even try fighting it before now?

So America and Ponytail Strange fly through the portal and our own Doctor Strange wakes up in his bed, revealing the whole thing was just a bad dream. Thank God, because that entire sequence really sucked.

ACT I (The Wedding, Gargantos, and Wanda)

He gets out of bed and starts getting dressed for a wedding. At the wedding, Doctor Strange sits next to…uh…some guy. He was from the first movie. Anyway! We get this tonally weird set of dialogue. I’ll paraphrase:

[Guy]: It’s been a while since I’ve seen you

[Strange]: Well, no shit. I’ve been dead for the past five years.

[Guy]: …So were a lot of us.

Damn. Doctor Strange’s expression changes from a sneer to reflective stare ahead. This is real now. Are we gonna have a serious conversation about the Blip?

[Guy]: While I was gone, thanks for asking, I lost both of my cats…

(beat)

[Guy]: And my brother.

After the guy says he lost both of his cats Doctor Strange rolls his fucking eyes! What the hell, man?? The “beat” is this uncomfortable pause for laughter, I guess? Does Disney think that coming back to find your cats dead is funny? And the “punchline” is the guy waiting to say he lost his brother as well, whereupon the tone goes back to being serious!

What the fuck is happening? Is this scene a joke or not?

He says what keeps him up at night is wondering if this really was the only path out of the 14 million, which is a valid question. Strange says it is but that is cap. Knocking out Star-Lord on Titan would’ve done the trick, or having Captain Marvel fly the gauntlet to space. But I digress; these are problems with Infinity War/Endgame that this movie has to contend with, unfortunately.

So after this semi-serious adult talk, the guy feels the need to rub in Doctor Strange’s face that while he’s the best surgeon and the best superhero…he still didn’t get the girl.

What a dick!

But this leads to the reveal that this is Christine’s wedding! Remember her? I don’t blame you if you don’t. We haven’t seen Doctor Strange’s not-girlfriend since 2016.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time a character’s not-girlfriend disappeared after a solo movie, only to show up in the second one, I’d have two nickels. It isn’t a lot, but it’s still weird that it happened twice.

You might wonder why Doctor Strange is suddenly worried about “getting the girl” after everything he’s been through and the fact that Christine was a complete non-entity for anything past the first film. Well, Christine is the catalyst for one of Doctor Strange’s 17 arcs in this movie.

So please…don’t think about it.

Strange and Christine have a short chat about why it never worked out between them. Christine says that he was “always the one who had to be holding the knife.” She always respected him for it, but she could never love him for it. Remember that line I put in quotes, okay? It’s another setup.

During this conversation, Doctor Strange casually turns Christine’s water into wine.

So…Doctor Strange can convert matter? Are you serious right now? That’s extremely useful, movie. You better not forget he can do something like that.

🤓 “You know what Ibrahim? You’re full of shit. You said you were gonna prove why MoM is the absolute worst, but you’re just nitpicking unimportant stuff! Who cares about any of this? My opinion of you is rapidly deteriorating, Ibrahim!”

You know what? Fine. Why don’t we move onto a fight scene? Because although Disney would rather you turn your brain off and enjoy the pretty colors, fight scenes are actually very telling about characters’ motivations and what they can/would do to achieve them.

And this one is a tire fire.

The wedding is crashed because a big tentacle monster (not to be confused with the Flying Spaghetti Monster from earlier) is attacking the city! Our boy Doctor Strange leaps into action with a cool transformation, and sets out to deal with this threat. Now Strange is a very meticulous and calculated sort of hero. I’m sure he’s gonna use only the most efficient spells to take care of this monster to minimize any damage to the city and its people. This should be over real quick.

A car is barreling down the street behind some lady and her baby, and Doctor Strange deals with this by summoning a fucking cat demon head to EAT THE CAR.

What the fuck was that about??

Why was your first instinct to summon a cat demon head as opposed to, I don’t know, using your awesome portals to get the lady to safety? Jesus Christ.

So America Chavez is here. Yes, that portal in the beginning transported her to our universe. Luckyyyy.

She runs into a bus to…hide I guess? No idea why she thought to hide in the bus when the monster is right there. Anyway, the tentacle monster starts groping the bus and Doctor Strange disassembles it to save America with the Cloak of Levitation. He uses part of the bus to slice one of the tentacles off…and then stops.

Dude. You can use spells more than once. CONTINUE SLICING AND DICING, BROTHER. The limbs literally disintegrate upon being cut off. If you keep doing this, the creature is helpless. Why would you stop?

Doctor Strange recognizes America from his dream and gets distracted for a bit. And I mean distracted to the point that he doesn’t notice the monster about to throw the bus at him. Seriously, America has to scream at him before he gets his head back in the game.

What is happening right now?

And you might wonder how Doctor Strange is gonna deal with the bus. Does he create a pair of portals to throw it back at the monster? Does he maybe turn it into butterflies? Nope. Instead he summons a fucking magic buzzsaw to CHOP THE BUS IN HALF, and the pieces fly back behind him. Aw, what the fuck?? What if there were people behind you, dude? Why is Doctor Strange being so reckless and dumb? Doctor Strange gets distracted again, allowing the monster to knock him out. All seems lost for America now that her useless savior is out of the game, but then…WONG APPEARS!

Fuck yeah!

Finally we can even the playing field intelligence-wise. Wong has been at it longer than Doctor Strange and he’s currently Sorcerer Supreme. It’s over now for Tentacle Boi. My only question is if Wong knows about the monster, surely he can call for help right? We know Kamar-Taj has plenty of sorcerers to spare so…why only send the one guy?

Ah, whatever.

Wong uses some elaborate kunai-with-chain moves in hopes of defeating the monster when…okay why the fuck aren’t you guys using portals? With the amount of collateral damage this thing is causing, why wouldn’t you take the quickest most efficient route at killing it? Your portals are the most useful tool in your arsenal. Send this thing to the fucking Sahara! Use a portal to chop it in half! What are you both doing?

Then some more stupid shit happens. The Cloak tries to fly America to safety, and the monster, i shit you not, grabs a motorcycle from some fucker who was just driving down the street like an NPC in a video game, apparently unaware of the monster rampaging in the streets. The monster literally fucking throws the motorcycle in such a way that it catches the Cloak and crushes it under its weight. Not America, she’s fine. Just the Cloak. Yes, the same Cloak that held back Thanos’ fist to keep it from clenching…is helpless against a motorcycle.

So even the Cloak is useless? Fuck off, movie!

Strange wakes up and summons a magic axe to chop off a tentacle to save Wong. Wow, Strange is bringing up a lot of useful spells in this movie! Wonder if he’ll use them more than once! The two then try to attach magic chains to the monster in hopes of…my fucking God, are you kidding me with this shit?

What the fuck is your plan here? This thing is huge, incredibly strong, and has the high ground. What were you guys hoping for? As a cRaZY result of this big-brain move, they end up getting pulled by the monster instead!

Strange summons some fire to throw at the monster (which I guess is a thing he can do?), and luckily doesn’t scorch America right here.

Anyway, Tentacle Monster grabs Strange and Wong falls to the ground. And if you’ve played Portal you’ll understand my frustration with this. Wong opens two portals and fucking sets them up so he falls down one and comes flying out the other into a car.

What. The. Fuck.

I didn’t realize Wong was a certified fucking mushroom brain. Were you trying to kill yourself? Why even bother using the portals to save yourself from death if you’re just gonna choose a different object to slam into? Why not fly straight back up into the fight, you dumbass? THIS is Wong? THIS is the Sorcerer Supreme? Fuck off, movie!

The cloak finally escapes (from the motorcycle. Kill me) and flies into the creature’s eye. The girl seemingly activates her power to steps on some rubble, causing it to fall on the creature. She does this willingly. I’m bringing this up because this will be relevant later, even though it’s never brought up again.

So Strange decides now might be good time to kill this thing, and summons some demon hands(???) to pull put a street lamp and jab the creature in the eye with it.

Now remember what I said earlier about fight scenes being indicative of character? In this 4-5 minute sequence, we picked up that Strange, Wong, America, and even the fucking Cloak of Levitation are all stupid as fuck.

Our two wizards rely on useless spells because they seemingly have a one-time-use limit on the practical ones. They show little regard for the lives this thing is taking, not to mention the millions in property damage. They even stop to make quips about bowing before the Sorcerer Supreme! Even the groom at Christine’s wedding comments on how cool all of this is, even though New York should be traumatized from alien creatures attacking the city. Not even the monster is safe from the stupid virus. If this creature’s goal is to take America’s power? Why is bumbling through the streets destroying everything in its path? Why doesn’t it engage the Big Succ immediately? What the hell was the plan after taking her power, anyway?

Like I said, tire fire.

So America, in her gratitude to Doctor Strange for saving her life, fucking steals his sling ring (somehow!) and runs off with it, only she doesn’t use it. Huh? Does she not know how to? One could assume she does, since she clearly knows what it is and she was best buds with a different Doctor Strange…except we already concluded that that guy didn’t have a sling ring, cause obviously he would’ve used it if he did…right? But OK, assuming America somehow does know what a sling ring is, why would she run with it? Like, with her legs? Why wouldn’t she portal away with it? If we’re assuming she doesn’t know how to use it (and indeed she doesn’t; we see her struggle with it at the end of this movie), then what exactly is the point of stealing one and running away? Wong still has his sling ring and he can just use it to catch up to you! OH WAIT. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS.

So they tell America to tell them what the fuck is going on here and they start talking…in a cafe.

This movie refuses to stop.

Why are you talking in a cafe. Why aren’t you in the Sanctum or Kamar-Taj right now? There are people all around while you talk about demons coming to attack Earth. One of them even asks for a fucking picture with Doctor Strange!

But I guess while we’re here, the movie hasn’t been doing a good job of endearing us to America Chavez. The ungrateful bitch says (in Spanish, for the last time in this movie) that of the two Doctor Stranges she knows, this one isn’t her favorite. You know, the one that just risked his life several times to save her, despite not knowing who she is. While the other one tried to kill her, something she saw as a betrayal.

So after the movie has a little laugh about Spider-Man and whether he shoots webs out of his butt (haha teehee), America explains that the demons were sent to capture her and take her power: the power to travel through the multiverse. She says the Book of Vishanti from earlier can give a sorcerer “whatever they need to defeat their enemy.” It’s basically the most perfect, omnipowerful, cure-all of a plot device. But the best part comes when Strange says it’s just a legend and Wong is like “nah it’s real lol.” Apparently there are texts about it that only the Sorcerer Supreme is allowed to read.

What the fuck, Wong? Doesn’t that sound like something you should’ve used against Thanos? or Dormammu? Or any of the threats to this universe? If only the Sorcerer Supreme can know about it, why didn’t Strange know? Wasn’t he Sorcerer Supreme before he got dusted? One of Doctor Strange’s prime character traits is his love of reading and knack for study. He absolutely would’ve read each and every book available to the Sorcerer Supreme. On that note, why wouldn’t Strange take the position back after he came back to life? Wong says the book is “unreachable” because it’s in the center of the multiverse or whatever. So if no one has seen or touched the book because it’s unreachable, how the fuck can anyone know for sure that it’s real? How can anyone know what it does? It exists outside of time and space. Are we ever gonna learn how Ponytail Strange was able to reach it? Whatever guys the book is totally real, okay? Hmm? Source? Bro trust me.

So Strange asks America to prove she’s from another universe, and she takes our guys to some roof where the corpse of Ponytail Strange is. Meaning that Strange’s dream was no dream. In fact, the film confirms that all dreams are just windows into our multiversal selves.

Movie. What are you doing. You understand the multiverse wasn’t a thing until the end of Loki. Are you telling me people just didn’t dream before then? I know none of you directors talk to each other but the guy who directed this movie wrote Loki! What the fuck is your excuse?

Strange makes a joke about how Ponytail Strange has a ponytail, and buries him with all the solemnity of taking out the trash. Good to know seeing and burying your own dead body isn’t a big deal at all. And when I say bury, I don’t mean that they don’t put him in the ground. They put him under some gravel on the roof. America denounces him as a traitor.

Wow, way to spit all over the guy’s grave! Sure, he was kind of a dumbass and he tried to take your power and everything, but what was the alternative? Your choices (at the time) were ‘die from losing your power to Ponytail Strange’ or ‘die from losing your power to the monster.’ Or just die. The guy didn’t have a great choice, but he did what he thought was the right call.

The pattern you’re going to spot in this movie is taking every possible chance to shit on Doctor Strange. And not just our Doctor Strange. All of them.

The wizards decide to keep America at Kamar-Taj so she can be safe for the time being. They realize that the demon that attacked them was marked with runes, making this a case of witchcraft rather than wizardcraft. I wonder if there are any witches we know?

On an unrelated note, we cut to Wanda in her house with her two kids. Only this isn’t our Wanda, this is Wanda from another universe. One where Billy and Tommy from WandaVision are real. Our Wanda wakes up from the dream and we see that she’s living in some remote, idyllic location. Doctor Strange shows up to talk to her, and Wanda tells him she’s “left the magic behind her.” She assumes he’s here to talk about Westview with her.

I’m going to briefly recap WandaVision for those who haven’t seen it and are wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, since it’s arguably required viewing for this movie.

Shortly after Endgame, Wanda had the Big Sad after having to sacrifice Vision and lost control of her magic (yes, Wanda’s telekinetic powers have been retconned to being straight-up magic). She inadvertently transformed the entire town of Westview into a sitcom fantasy land, one where Vision was alive and the two were living their best married lives together as a regular, suburban family. During their time together, Wanda “gave birth to“ (read: magicked into existence) twin boys Billy and Tommy. The problem with this saccharine fantasy was that the residents of the town didn’t get a choice in whether they wanted to take part. Wanda locked away their psyches and free will, forcing them all to play bit parts in her sitcom. Long story short, some shenanigans happened involving S.W.O.R.D. intervening from outside the Hex, as it was called, and another witch (who wasn’t brainwashed) running amok in Wanda’s world, forcing her to ultimately close it, ending the life of not-real Vision and her not-real children. The creation of the Hex was a manifestation of Wanda’s grief and the story was about reaching the acceptance stage, and learning that some people are gone forever.

Except Vision, cause there’s a white Cum Vision somewhere out there that has all the original’s memories. But this movie will ignore him.

WandaVision ruined Wanda for me and left a sour taste in my mouth, overall. I appreciate the message, but Wanda is out of character for most of the show. She started the Hex on accident but she ignores every character who tells her what she’s doing is wrong. She finally lets the citizens of Westview free because she was forced to, and flees from the authorities the first chance she gets. The show doesn’t have the self-awareness to realize she’s the villain. She’s still painted as sympathetic despite committing something really heinous and monstrous.

You might wonder where Doctor Strange was during all this, since he’s essentially the magic police of this world. Well, Disney will tell you it’s because we can’t have a woman be lectured by a white man (take one guess why the SWORD director trying to save the town is portrayed as evil), but we don’t entertain that kind of executive bullshit here. It’s a plot hole, and it was left up to this movie to give us an explanation.

So when Wanda assumes Strange is here to talk about Westview, and Strange brushes the whole thing off by saying:

“But you put things right in the end and that was never in doubt.”

I kinda take serious issue with that. She did not make everything right in the end. She fucking ran from the authorities and didn’t atone for a single thing she did. The only reason Strange wouldn’t have intervened with Wanda’s shenanigans is if he was busy with something more important at the time. But even if we (generously) assume No Way Home was happening concurrently with WandaVision, Strange would still not be okay with Wanda’s actions. The people of Westview are going to be psychologically scarred for the rest of their lives.

This is so much worse than if Doctor Strange just didn’t know. He knew…and didn’t care to intervene or follow-up on the incident because he figured she’d stop at some point. For fuck’s sake, movie.

Strange explains the situation and asks Wanda to come back to Kamar-Taj to help protect America from the demons. He tells her he thought about calling some of the other heroes but decided against it because they’re too lame or whatever.

I’m sorry, what? Didn’t you portal in a shit ton of people from Earth and the cosmos to defend this universe? Now the entire multiverse is at stake and you’re suddenly too good for Ant-Man or Hawkeye? Fuck off, Doctor Strange! You should be calling everybody. Sam and Bucky should be here. The Eternals should be here. Thomas the fucking choo-choo train should be here.

But, oops! Wanda accidentally lets slip that she’s been the one sending the demons! The jig is up, and Wanda uses her powers to reveal that everything was fake, and that they’re actually in some eldritch location that is so cartoonishly spooky that it looks like a Halloween stock image.

But yes, Wanda is the Big Bad of this film. It’s revealed that she’s been using the Darkhold, called the Book of the Damned, and it corrupts whoever reads it. This is the follow-up to WandaVision’s post-credit scene.

And the important thing to note here is that this movie is going to posit that the book is the reason Wanda is evil, because Disney wants Wanda to be the villain, but also doesn’t want to hold her personally accountable for the evil things she does. But more on that as we go along.

Wanda wants to take America’s power for herself and use it to travel to a universe where she can be with her children. Strange tells her that her children aren’t real and she conjured them with magic. Wanda’s response is a strong contender for the absolute stupidest line of dialogue in the entire MCU (and she has a LOT of those in this movie): “Well, that’s what every mother does.”

?????????????

First of all, no, that is not what every mother does, you tool. Giving birth is a biological process that takes months. You created imaginary children in seconds. But secondly, if you’re actually you don’t see the difference, why don’t you just conjure up some children right now, in this universe? You can create a Hex right here without disturbing anyone. Or better yet, why not go on fucking Tinder and make an actual baby with an actual person? Fuck off, Wanda!

As if to out-stupid that line, Wanda says America is not a child, but a superpowered being, as if the two are mutually exclusive. As if her own damn children don’t fall under both categories.

Then, as if to out-stupid that line, we get the line from the trailer that I’m sure Disney (and stans on Twitter) thought was such a badass “yas queen slay” moment:

“You break the rules and become a hero. I do it and I become the enemy. That doesn’t seem fair.”

Now, when I saw this in the trailer, I assumed Wanda was referring to the botched memory spell in No Way Home. But she’s actually talking about the time Strange gave the Time Stone to Thanos. Uh…you mean that time he made the hard call to ensure everyone was on the one road to victory over Thanos, and saving the entire universe? Not to mention putting his own life on the line? Is that really what you’re criticizing him for, Wanda? If she had been talking about the multiverse spell in No Way Home, that actually would’ve been better for her argument. That spell was forbidden, and it nearly destroyed the world.

So Wanda tells Strange to hand America over by sundown or the Scarlet Witch will come to Kamar-Taj herself and fucking kill everyone.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

So we get this really goofy transition to Wong getting ready to arm the Sanctum. America is incredulous that Strange went and told the person trying to kill her who and where she is, seemingly forgetting that Wanda has been chasing her across the multiverse already and pretty much always knows where she is anyway. Other than that, I’m right there with her. Strange really was overly trusting of Wanda in that scene for no reason, especially given everything she’s done. It’s pretty embarassing that he got duped by her the way he did.

We see the sorcerers arming themselves with…bows and spears? The archers are a particularly interesting choice, since Strange dismissed Hawkeye earlier as one of the “lame” heroes. And Wong describes Scarlet Witch as “a being with unfathomable magic.” Seems pretty stupid, but hey! If you have them you might as well try I guess.

Wanda arrives on the scene in a big spooky storm cloud…wait already? I thought the deadline was sundown. Maybe she meant sundown in her part of the world.

Anyway, Doctor Strange goes in to…talk to her. I mean the first thing I would do is put her in the Mirror Dimension, a place she’s likely unfamiliar with and where she won’t be a threat to anyone. It’s probably the safest bet even if you don’t think she’s beyond talking to at this point.

We get some more really shitty dialogue, where Strange pretty much tells Wanda she has every right to be angry because she had to make sacrifices.

Wanda’s response is to spit it back in his face, saying “I had to kill my husband and it meant nothing. Don’t talk to me about sacrifices.” If you think about this for longer than two seconds you’ll realize that this doesn’t actually contradict what Strange said. He was agreeing with her.

Ingenious writing.

But then we get an actually neat bit of acting from Benedict Cumberbatch here. Wanda tempts Strange with a universe where he can be with Christine, and Strange immediately puts his guard back up. The look on his face and the way he speaks makes it seem like he resents the fact this is something Wanda can get to him with, even more so that he might have considered taking her up on it.

But then Wanda says that until now she was “being reasonable” and that sending the demons instead of herself was “mercy.”

What the fuck are you talking about?

How is it “reasonable” to send demons that kill hundreds of people trying to kill one girl? How are you aware that what you did in Westview was immoral, to the point that you closed the Hex yourself at the cost of your fake children, yet you now see no issue with committing mass murder on a multiversal scale to be with those same children? Fucking hell, why couldn’t you just capture America, discreetly, by yourself? Why not talk to her and get her to sympathize with your situation? Trick her into taking your side, or even trying to lend her power willingly? How did you get here, Wanda? Why are you so dumb?

So Wanda then tries to attack the Sanctum, only it’s protected by a giant magical barrier. So we gotta see how Wanda’s gonna get in without her magic. This could be kinda exciting! Except it turns out she can just get in with magic anyway. She mind-controls ONE GUY and he runs away, making sure to bump into everyone, creating a domino effect that knocks down the entire barrier.

These wizards a fucking useless, holy shit.

The rest of the sanctum goes down like wet toilet paper because Wanda is protected by the plot and is OP as fuck. None of these lads have names so the movie can kill them off in droves with no one to mourn for them. Bet you wish you called the other heroes now, don’t you? I just want to point out that earlier Strange named Hawkeye as one of the heroes he didn’t call, dismissing him as just an “archer with a mohawk” Guess what his defense consists of?

🤓 “But Ibrahim, these are magic bows and arrows!”

Yeah and they do fuck all to Wanda. She gets blasted by a fucking magic cannon and all it does is knock her back a bit. Plus, you know Hawkeye is like, Wanda’s friend, right? He’d be first on my list to call to talk her down.

Oh well…

So the whole thing ends in about 15 seconds with Wanda killing all these people, including this guy who’s pretty much already dead and she just fucking vaporizes him.

This is after she says she doesn’t relish killing anyone.

Yas queen slay.

So Doctor Strange traps Wanda in the Mirror Dimension.

Finally!!

Alright, we did it lads. Wanda is in the Mirror Dimension, and the first movie makes it very clear that if you get stuck in there without a sling ring, you’re pretty much fucked. GG well played.

Just kidding. Sorcerers start disappearing randomly because apparently Wanda can grab them through reflections in the water on the ground. Before your brain can stop reeling from the fact that Wanda can do this, despite us being told that you can’t influence the real world from the Mirror Dimension, you see that the entire room they’re in is filled with puddles.

WHY.

Is this the bloody piss room or something? Why are all the sorcerers conveniently standing over puddles? What the hell is going on?

Before Doctor Strange can use his sling ring, Wanda just…disappears it. Yup. That’s actually what happens. The writers needed a way to get rid of the sling ring because it would be inconvenient for the plot, and so they decided to literally just erase it from existence.

Fucking hell.

And then Wanda just…escapes the Mirror Dimension. Yup. She just leaves. She exits through a fucking gong. She was able to use the puddles earlier because they have a reflection, but she leaves through the gong which barely has one. So I guess you can leave through anything that reflects light. Which is pretty much everything.

I’m not kidding when I say this movie does not want you to think about anything for even a second. It just cannot help itself.

But you know what?

If Wanda can disappear the sling ring, why doesn’t she just disappear Doctor Strange? We know she can vaporize people, and she’s already made it clear she’s willing to kill anyone who gets in her way. As a matter of fact, she’s killed a Doctor Strange already, and she tried to kill this one about five minutes ago. So why not?

So Doctor Strange finally asks Wanda what she plans to do to the alternate version of her if she goes to another universe and she just…doesn’t answer. The implication is clear: Wanda is going to kill her.

*sigh*

Let’s talk about Wanda’s plan.

Wanda wants to go to another universe where her children are alive. To do this, she needs to take America’s power, thus killing her. She wants to go to a very specific universe, one where it’s her and her two kids. Her master plan is to kill the other Wanda, replace her, and hopefully her kids won’t notice the difference(?)

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Why the hell can’t Wanda go to a universe where she’s recently died and the kids are orphans? Why the hell can’t she ask America politely to open a portal to such a universe? Why does she need to steal the power if she only plans to use it once? And all of this is besides my earlier suggestion to make babies here, either biologically or with magic. Her plan is so stupid and nonsensical that it drives me fucking nuts. I realize she’s corrupted by the Darkhold but this is literally the hardest and least effective way to get what she wants. Does the book make you stupid on top of being evil? Fuck off, movie!

Good god, we’re only just wrapping up the first act.

Wong isn’t doing anything in this scene, by the way. He’s the Sorcerer Supreme and yet he is the backgroundiest of background characters during this confrontation with the main villain. So then Doctor Strange summons some SNAKES, only it does nothing. Then Wanda tosses the both of them around, knocking them both out, and starts doing the Big Succ on America. She goes into the Avatar State again and opens another portal. Strange just goes to tackle her through the portal, and Wanda doesn’t use any of her many, many powers to try to stop him. She just kinda zaps his Cloak, taking away its ability to fly 😦

I can’t help but think that maybe she should’ve taken America far away from this place so she could do the Big Succ uninterrupted. Or hell, vaporize everyone else in the room. But Wanda is only allowed non-lethal movies in this movie, unless it’s towards random nobodies.

ACT II (Earth-838 and The Illuminati)

We then get an actually really cool sequence of Doctor Strange and America flying through different universes, including an underwater universe, a cartoon universe, and a universe made entirely of paint. It shows a lot of inventiveness and creativity from the VFX artists. I hope you enjoyed it because this is as far as this movie is taking the multiverse concept.

Ultimately, our heroes end up in a universe that looks like those “society if Twitter didn’t exist” memes.

How lucky that in all the universes they ended up on a planet, considering the ratio of things vs. not things in space, on Earth of all planets, in the United States of all countries, and in New York of all cities.

Holy hell.

Strange is desperate to get back to his universe and tells America to open a portal. Instead of telling Strange he’s the idiot that got them here in the first place, America tells him that she can’t control her portals, they only open when she’s really stressed. Strange then proposes that they find a variant of America to teach her how to use her powers, and America tells Strange that she is the only one of her kind in the entire multiverse because she doesn’t dream.

What the fuck movie.

If America is the only one of her kind in the entire multiverse, why is it treated like a given that taking her power will definitely kill her? Has she died before, or something? Wanda’s taken someone else’s magic before and they lived! Is America’s power classified as magic? I assumed they were more cosmic, like Captain Marvel’s powers. Could Wanda do the Big Succ on Doctor Strange if she wanted? Could she do it on Captain Marvel? If America can’t control her powers, what was the deal with her superpowered star kick from earlier? Considering how long America’s had the power, how can we know she can ever learn to control it if she hasn’t by now? How do we know her powers aren’t uncontrollable by nature? How does Wanda know she’ll be able to control it if she steals it?

How does any of this work?

So the two decide the next best thing to do is set out to find another Doctor Strange in hopes that he’ll know how to find the Book of Vishanti. Sounds like a plan.

So the two start walking…very slowly…through the city streets. What are you two doing? The entire multiverse is at stake, remember? Wong is currently at the mercy of Wanda, remember? Could we pick it up a little? Show a little urgency? I don’t even just mean that they’re walking slowly given the situation; they are walking so slowly that if I was a normal person in this world just trying to make my daily commute, I’d be annoyed.

So we see in this universe RED means go and GREEN means stop, because that’s really cool and creative right? America says Rule #1 of going to another universe is to forget everything you know. Fair enough. It figures that she’d be the expert on multiversal travel considering how long she’s been moving around. She then says Rule #2 is to find food…which sounds like a quick way to die. What if the food you consume is normal here but poisonous to your body? What if it turns your stomach inside out, turns you into a shark, etc? So there goes our one bit of intelligence from this character. Oh, and America just takes the food from the vendor without paying.

Get this: She says, “Food is free in most universes. It’s weird that you guys have to pay for it.”

Uhhhh, yeah, we haven’t quite cracked infinite resources just yet, America. If you’ve got some secrets to share with us about that, we’d love to hear them. Secondly, what do you mean by “most universes?” Surely you mean most of the ones you’ve been to, cause there are an infinite number of them. Meaning there’s an infinite amount of worlds where you have to pay for food and an infinite amount where you don’t. Really weird line but thanks for reminding me that capitalism is bad, Disney!

But it turns out that food isn’t free in this universe, meaning that America just took the food without bothering to check. After telling Strange to forget everything he knows, she herself makes an assumption about not having to pay for food.

Ugggghhhhhh…

The vendor (played by Bruce Campbell) is rightfully pissed and so Doctor Strange tries to defuse the situation. He accuses our boy of being an imposter because the Doctor Strange in this universe died a hero, even having a museum in his honor. Bruce Campbell starts loudly demanding payment and Doctor Strange MAGICS HIM INTO BEATING HIMSELF UP, and says the spell will wear off after THREE WEEKS.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

🤓 “Oh, lighten up, Ibrahim! It’s a reference to Evil Dead! Bruce Campbell beats himself up in that movie, too!”

I don’t fucking care! In that movie, it was evil demons making Bruce Campbell beat himself up. In this movie, it’s Doctor Strange inflicting it to a regular civilian! When I saw this in theaters, I hadn’t seen Evil Dead and had no idea this was a reference. So I just watched mouth agape as Doctor Strange assaulted a middle-aged man because he wanted payment for his product! This is extremely out of character, and you better believe we’re going to talk about it.

Now then.

If you’re a writer, how would you go about revealing the backstories for these characters? Maybe have it come up in dialogue? I think I’d just have Doctor Strange ask America, “so when did you open your first portal?” and go from there. Gets the job done pretty well.

This movie had a different idea.

This movie decides to have our heroes pass by, I shit you not, a MEMORY STORE. You step on a panel, and it just straight up plays your memories on the wall. It’s like a fucking YouTube video for God’s sake.

See, this is modern Disney’s reimagining of what humanity used to refer to as “character development.” It’s where instead of weaving the character’s motivation, personality, and history into the story, you make up a fucking memory story so you have a contrived reason to just tell us these things in flashback form without putting any effort into it at all!

America steps on a panel and we flash back to baby America in her home universe with her lesbian mommies.

Now stay with me here, it’s revealed that baby America opened her first portal because a fucking BEE landed on her finger, triggering the Avatar state and causing her first portal to open.

Look, I get that a bee might be very frightening to a small child. But America looks to be about five years old in this flashback. America’s portals trigger when she’s afraid for her life. If a bee is enough to cause her to fear for her life to the point where she opens a portal, this probably would’ve happened before she even made it to age 5. Unless you’re telling me this is the first time America’s been frightened ever.

But yeah, the portal sucks her and her parents inside it. Apparently she got separated from her parents along the way, even though so far every time someone goes through a portal with her they end up in the same place…but whatever, this gives the character motivation to see them again…or something…

Strange steps on the panel and we see his first (I think) date with Christine. There’s not much to say. All you need to know is Strange blew it with Christine because he’s such a loser and this is important to his character arc(s).

And there we have it! Good job, movie. You’ve delivered exposition to us in probably the clunkiest, most boring and obvious way possible.

A fucking memory store.

Let’s not even get into how the memories are played in cinematic third-person like a movie, with every detail rendered perfectly.

The scene then moves to this universe’s Sanctum, and we see that the Doctor Strange of this world is in fact dead. He gave his life fighting Thanos. The door opens and we see…Karl Mordo!

Remember him? Well he’s in this movie, only it’s this universe’s version of him.

Hmm? What’s that? What happened to Karl Mordo from the prime timeline, you ask? The one who dedicated his life to ridding the world of sorcerers? Well, Doctor Strange gives us a throwaway line. Apparently Mordo tried to kill Strange a couple times since then.

And that’s it!

Where did “kill” come from when his whole deal was taking away people’s magic? Don’t know!

Why haven’t we seen any of this? Don’t know!

Where was he during Infinity War, Endgame, WandaVision, No Way Home, and this movie? Don’t know!

Was he even stopped? DON’T KNOW!

I hope you weren’t interested in exploring anything related to Mordo because this movie wants to slap you right in the face and spit in your tea.

Speaking of tea, Mordo invites our heroes into his home and offers them some, and Doctor Strange is just completely trusting of this complete stranger. This is someone he was just cautious to be around because his variant tried to kill him. But he’s offering tea so he must be a nice guy. We can tell him everything.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Mordo tells our heroes that Wanda can use the Darkhold to access a dark magic technique called dreamwalking. Dreamwalking basically lets you inhabit the body of one of your multiversal selves. America asks the obvious question of why Wanda didn’t just do this to begin with, and they fucking ADR a line from Doctor Strange saying, “because that was her being reasonable.”

Fuck off, movie! Wanda could’ve gotten what she wanted by now without anyone knowing if she had just dreamwalked from the beginning. Waving away reasons why your villain acts like a complete dumbass isn’t fucking cute. I’m onto you.

By a cRaZy turn of events, it turns out the tea is drugged!

NO WAY!

It’s been laced with some magic-nullifying sand that Doctor Strange is familiar with. And a jar containing the sand was in the room with them the entire time. So Doctor Strange saw it, recognized it, had reason not to trust Mordo to begin with, and STILL drank the tea.

Seriously fuck you, movie.

So Wanda begins dreamwalking, and some spooky scary shit starts happening to her multiversal variant. People in photos start looking at her, the lights start flickering, and uh…

Whatever the fuck is going on here.

The Scarlet Witch has taken over, and I guess the kids somehow didn’t notice any of the spooky-tisms I was just talking about, despite the lights flickering and their mom breaking a plate and almost collapsing to the floor. Instead, they sing a song to her about how much they want ice cream.

A lot of people have called this moment exceedingly cringe. I don’t really see it tbh. This just looks like standard kid stuff to my eye. And it’s better than like 90% of what passes for dialogue in this movie anyway.

Plus, there is a far bigger problem at this moment.

Did I mention that this Wanda is from the same universe Strange is currently in?

I need to walk you through how inconceivably lucky this is.

🤓 “But Ibrahim, whatever could you mean? It’s just a movie about magic and wizards and—”

Just hear me out, okay?

Let’s take for granted that out of infinite universes, Wanda is able to pinpoint the exact one Strange is in (unless this is the one she wanted to begin with, which…my fucking God that is lucky). Let’s pretend that part makes sense. We’ll give it a pass.

Imagine there is no Wanda in this universe.

Now imagine there is a Wanda, but she’s dead.

Now imagine Wanda is alive, but she isn’t human (we’ll pretend she’s a walrus).

Now imagine there is a Wanda and she’s human, but she’s a normal person without powers.

Now imagine there’s a Wanda but she has very different powers. Just think of how differently things would play out if she had the ability to talk to fish, or powers that only worked in cold temperatures.

Now imagine if this Wanda has her red-tism powers that we’re familiar with, but she lives with a husband. Say, Vision, for instance. I don’t think he’d be chill with his wife flying off into the night to do some killing.

Now imagine if this Wanda never had children.

Now imagine she has a family, complete with children, but she still lives in Sokovia (or even Westview). She would have to fly all the way to New York (and Wanda doesn’t fly fast!)

Eight.

Those were just eight possible variables I came up with off the top of my head. Our Wanda wins the fucking cosmic jackpot and possess a Wanda that lives with children, is apparently single, has telekinetic powers, and is in flying distance of New York, and happens to be in the SAME universe Doctor Strange is currently in.

Astronomical doesn’t actually BEGIN to describe how lucky she is.

If even ONE of those (very likely) variables I came up with came into play, the movie would fucking end here.

This is the plot. Someone was actually paid to write this. Please stay with me, people.

We then cut back to Wong who’s a little tied up at the moment.

He’s in some binds (probably wondering how he ended up in this clown movie) and we see that one of the sorcerers is still alive! Apparently Wanda didn’t kill them all…or bother to check?

Anyway, Wong is like “you have to let me down so I can destroy the book,” and this Sorcerer Lady is like, “No. It can’t be you. I have to destroy the book.” And this is because destroying the book kills you as well. So she wanted to sacrifice herself, which is fine, but why the hell couldn’t you just let Wong down anyway? You’re about to leave him helpless and alone with a VERY pissed-off Wanda. And now that you mention it, Wanda is dreamwalking right now. She’s unconscious and pretty vulnerable herself, because she decided to do this right here in front of the not-dead sorcerers instead of in a safer place. Why not just kill her and then destroy the book? I’m pretty sure a knife to a forehead would do the trick. She may be magic but she still has a regular human body (I’m pretty sure she does, but she contorted her body when she exited the Mirror Dimension earlier so idk).

But yeah, she just destroys the book, which apparently you can just do by stabbing it with a regular kitchen knife. The funniest part about this, to me, is that it stabs right through the book like it’s made of butter.

It’s easier to stab the Darkhold than it is to stab an actual book!

Seriously, try this at home you’ll see why this is so funny. Hell, try stabbing a pamphlet.

So Wanda loses her possession and it’s played like a “awww she’s losing connection with her kids it’s so sad” moment. Meanwhile, I was just relieved that the innocent woman she was possessing is now free.

So Wanda boops Wong across the floor and demands information out of him for where she can gain access to the dark spells. And Wong gives the dumbest response you could in this scenario. He says “You’ll have to kill me before I talk.”

WONG, YOU BUFFOON. You just confessed that there’s more information to give out! You could have lied to her and told her that that was the end of the Darkhold and it’s over. You could have told her to fuck off! She’s the one who’s desperate for the information, and you know more than she does! You had leverage and you just gave it away!

So Wanda starts torturing some more sorcerers (who were just playing dead I guess) and Wong confesses that the Darkhold was copy. There’s a mountain with the evil text that the Darkhold was transcribed from.

For those who say that Wanda only does evil things in this movie because she’s under the influence of the Darkhold, I just wanna highlight how callously she tortures these people.

And this is after the book is destroyed! I don’t even know what difference it makes at this point. She was a monster in WandaVision before she even got her hands on it, and she’s a monster throughout this movie.

Uhhh, what I meant to say was…yas queen slay.

But yeah, apparently there’s only one Book of Vishanti in all the multiverse EVER, but the Darkhold exists in every universe and is more widely circulated than the fucking Bible. And this is the universe that happens to be the one where it was transcribed.

This movie’s just taking the piss at this point.

They say the same thing about this temple that they said earlier about the Book of Vishanti, by the way. Wong says no one has ever made the journey to the temple.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S THERE IF NO ONE HAS MADE THE JOURNEY.

Wanda decides that she’ll be the one to make it and forces Wong to portal them there. She gives Wong back his sling ring. And you, the viewer, are forced to watch Wong use it to do exactly what Wanda says, instead of portaling her to a volcano or the moon or the Marianas trench. Or just cutting her in half.

We wake up with Doctor Strange in a cell with some bracelets that nullify his use of magic. America is in a cell with the same bracelets, which should mean that she can’t make her portals. I’m highlighting this cause it’s gonna be relevant later.

We meet Christine from this universe and she is the head of some kind of multiversal research division. She tells our heroes that they’re being kept in quarantine because, being from another universe, they could be harboring diseases they don’t have cures for.

Fair enough, but that means Mordo should be quarantined too, right? He was completely exposed to whatever they have. And however you got them into those cages couldn’t have been sanitary. The entire place should be on lockdown if you’re that concerned about multiversal diseases, but whatever moving on.

Apparently Christine has been naming all the universes they can find in the multiverse and this one is Earth-838. The main universe is Earth-616.

Do you guys remember in Far From Home when Jake Gyllenhal claimed that the main universe was 616 as part of his fake backstory? It was a neat bit you could miss the first time that foreshadowed how he was lying about everything. This is because the MCU has been designated as Earth-19999. 616 is the main comic book universe.

Well according to this film, Jake Gyllenhal was right on the money the entire time and the prime MCU really is 616. I’m sure this won’t piss off a legion of comic fans.

By the way, if you are going about naming every universe, why wouldn’t yours be 1?

Anyway, Strange shows no urgency once again, he’s cracking more jokes while not telling anyone that the entire multiverse is at stake. He just talks to Christine about relationship stuff. Only this Christine is all business, and she’s not interested in what they were or what they could be.

Suddenly Mordo appears with some Ultron bots (no James Spader unfortunately) and he says that this facility is not the Avengers, or SHIELD, or even HYDRA. This is the Illuminati. And they’re ready to see Strange and decide his fate.

Uh oh.

We cut back to Earth-616 (cause I guess that’s what we’re calling it now), and Wong, being the most compliant and cooperative hostage ever, portals Wanda directly in front of Mount Doom. He says this is as far as they can go, since his magic won’t work at the temple. What he could’ve told Wanda is that he’s not allowed to portal there at all, or trick Wanda by taking her to a completely different location and abandoning her there. You know, anything to delay her as long as possible. But it’s okay because Wanda just flies them both up Mt. Doom, because she’s in Creative Mode I guess.

Also these two are in temperatures well-below freezing, and they apparently don’t need extra layers or any sort of protection so that’s cool.

They get to the temple and some evil golems start to attack, only they stop and bow to the Scarlet Witch. This temple is for her. During the attack, Wong conjures some magic blades, not a MINUTE after saying his magic doesn’t work here.

What the fuck.

Back on Earth-838 Strange is taken to the Grand Council of the Illuminati, and the lineup of heroes is just SO AWESOME. We have Mordo, Captain Carter from What If (who throws her shield at Strange for no reason), Black Bolt from the Inhumans series, Captain Marvel except she’s black, and REED RICHARDS played by John Krasinski. And I shit you not, the introduction to all these heroes is played out like a child showing off all his action figures. Everyone just pauses after they’re introduced one-by-one to maximize those sweet, sweet claps from the audience.

But now we’re at the scene where the movie fucks itself REAL HARD.

(More than it already has, anyway)

Strange is still in a silly goofy mood (he’s being an asshole for no reason even though he should probably be trying to make a good impression on these people but never mind) and our man Reed Richards explains that Strange being here at all is a risk to their universe because he could cause an incursion. What is an incursion, you might ask? Well, an incursion is a world-ending event that occurs when someone is in another universe for too long. Basically, the longer you’re in a universe you don’t belong to, the higher the chances are of the two universes colliding resulting, in the complete annihilation of one or both of them.

Movie. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

You just kneecapped your entire premise and any potential multiverse stories going forward. We can’t have characters from different universes interacting now because of the risk of an incursion. Actually, now that you mention it, doesn’t this mean America is endangering EVERY UNIVERSE she goes to? She may be the only one of her kind, but she does have a home universe, as we saw in the stupid memory store flashback. How many universes has she destroyed by now? …To say nothing of her parents!

It’s really dark, but the film doesn’t realize that America has doomed herself, her parents, and everyone she’s ever met since she opened her first portal. It’s unlikely she’ll ever be reunited with her mothers.

And what about No Way Home? There were fuckers from at least three different universes doing all kinds of shit on Earth-616, and many more that were about to cross over. There was a whole-ass TEAR in the universe. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t have caused an incursion. I guess Peter really might not have saved the villains in that movie.

I’ll remind you guys that there is currently a timeline-displaced Gamora in this universe, too. And Ponytail Strange’s dead body is still on that rooftop, meaning he’s cooking an incursion just by being there (And you can dreamwalk into dead bodies so that has to count for something).

How can Reed Richards know about the “self-destruct” variety of incursions unless he’s witnessed one himself? Has his universe been destroyed before? How does one research the multiverse without means of multiversal travel?

And these are the least of the movie’s problems.

Remember when I went into detail about how braindead Wanda’s plan was earlier? Well, now it’s completely unfeasible. Wanda’s entire plan in this movie revolves around inhabiting another universe. Now we know being with her kids is going to destroy them, and their entire universe.

The movie breaks here. There are no more wheels on this car. This reveal, dropped so casually, makes the entire conflict completely redundant. It’s over.

This is the kind of writing that can only be described as reckless. They have no idea what they’ve done.

Yet the film kicks on anyway, blissfully unaware that it has fractured itself.

The Illuminati starts deciding what to do with Strange, and the overall vibe is that they’re gonna kill him. Doctor Strange tells them that the Scarlet Witch is currently dreamwalking and is going fuck everything up…and they brush him off. Black Captain Marvel even says, “Oh, we can handle your little witch.”

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

I get so frustrated watching this scene. The whole time they act like STRANGE is the biggest threat here. Not the girl in the other room who can literally travel the multiverse. Let’s convict the man who is restrained, currently poses no threat to any of you, and is trying to warn you of a much more dangerous being.

You might wonder, why?

Well, the last Illuminati member, none other than Charles Xavier, decides to roll in later than everyone else. The way I see it, the only two explanations are so that he can have an extra shocking reveal, or his little hover chair got stuck in traffic on the way here.

You can take your pick on that one.

He declares that they should tell Strange the truth, before we—

Wait what the fuck? CHARLES FUCKING XAVIER is on your team? The greatest telepath in Marvel canon?? What’s the point of this trial at all, then? Just have him verify if Strange is telling the truth! You don’t need a bloody trial when you can have Professor X read Strange’s mind, you dumbasses!

Before we can get to that though, we snap back to Wanda at Mt. Doom.

Wanda tells Wong, “You’re probably wondering what happens now” and Wong replies, “No. I’ve already accepted it.”

So glad Wong has so much agency in this movie.

He asks Wanda why she needs to kill America and take her power when she could just force her to open a portal.

FINALLY.

Not the most pressing question but it’s one of many he could ask and it’s still valid. Wanda gives the most hilarious response possible. She says in the event her children get sick, she can go to the multiverse to find a cure for them herself.

So her reasoning for why she absolutely has to take America’s power and kill her is the rare event that her children might get multidimensional space herpes.

Man, if only Wanda had the power to warp reality on a whim. If only she could just, you know, cure her kids with magic! That would be really fucking helpful!

Fuck off, movie!

So Wong then asks if it’s not enough to know that her kids are safe and loved where they are. Wanda says “No.” and throws him OFF THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN.

So yeah, he’s dead. RIP Wong.

But I guess there really is no bringing Wanda out of this mindset. I mean, could you imagine if another character made this exact same argument later in the film and it actually convinced her to stop? That would be really stupid wouldn’t it?

But that would never happen.

So Wanda possesses 838 Wanda again, and we cut back to Doctor Strange and the Illuminati. They explain how their Doctor Strange really died. It’s said he died defeating Thanos…but there’s more to the story.

Okay so the movie starts to lose its shit here. So the way this is gonna work is I’m going to lay out this scene in bullet point form and THEN talk about it. So here we go.

While the Illuminati was trying to find a way to defeat Thanos, their Doctor Strange turned to the Darkhold, hoping to dreamwalk and try to find a solution in the multiverse.

Black Captain Marvel pipes in, “He didn’t. But he kept doing it anyway.”

Yes, typically you’re going to keep looking for something you’re trying to find until you find it, you fucking…

Anyway!

Illuminati Strange confessed that his dreamwalking caused an incursion, and destroyed another universe.
He renounced the Darkhold, and the team used the Book of Vishanti to vanquish Thanos. Whoohoo!
Except not woohoo, because the team then decided that Strange should be executed for his crime. Captain Carter says they did it because of “what he was capable of. What, perhaps, all Doctor Stranges are capable of.

Alllllright, what the FUCK, movie.

You’re telling me the reason our Strange is standing trial is because a completely different Doctor Strange destroyed a universe on accident? It’s not like this a good thing, but he immediately renounced use of the Darkhold and accepted execution! There’s not a whole lot more you can do in terms of making amends.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Illuminati Strange is just another part of the movie’s ongoing smear campaign against Doctor Strange as a character, but all things considered, he sounds like a real stand-up guy to me! He corrupted himself trying to find a way to protect his universe, confessed when he destroyed a universe on accident, immediately renounced the Darkhold, helped to discover the Book of Vishanti to actually save the universe, and then accepted execution.

What a fucking legend.

And they killed him for what? Because he MIGHT do evil in the future? Is this fucking Minority Report or some shit? Wasn’t this HYDRA’s rationale for launching Project fucking Insight back in Winter Soldier? Did you fuckers forget you have a literal mind reader on your team??

The movie is constantly trying to critique Doctor Strange for having to be in control when he consistently makes decisions for the benefit of the world. And now suddenly THIS Doctor Strange has to be held accountable for another’s actions, even though this is the MULTIVERSE, and BY DEFINITION, ONE DOCTOR STRANGE DOESN’T EQUAL ANOTHER, YOU STUPID, STUPID MOVIE.

How far does this Illuminati logic go, anyway? Do they just kill anyone who might do evil? Why don’t they just kill themselves in that case? I definitely wouldn’t object to Wanda offing these guys at this point.

Speaking of which…surprise! The building is breached and the Scarlet Witch is fucking up all the Ultron Bots! Our team of “good guys” goes to investigate, except for Mordo cause he’s a bitch, and we get a fucking bizarre line from Professor X.

He tells Strange, “Should you escape this chamber, take America Chavez and get to the Book of Vishanti”.

What the fuck do you mean “should you escape?” Weren’t you just planning to kill him? Now all of sudden you think you can trust him? Now, you want to see what kind of Doctor Strange he is? If you really think that at this point, just let him go now! Why are you just sitting there?? Let me tell you, I was fucking lost in the theater.

Xavier then says, “Just because someone stumbles and loses their path, doesn’t mean they’re lost forever,” which is hilarious because our Doctor Strange hasn’t even gotten a chance to stumble, and when Illuminati Strange stumbled you signed off on having him fucking killed. But of course, this line isn’t here because it’s applicable to the situation. It’s here because it’s from X-Men: Days of Future Past, a movie people actually like.

Fuck off, movie. You can’t just steal a line from a better film and try to use it to elevate this one. You’ve done zero legwork in understanding the context for why the line is so beloved in the first place, or even making it sensible in this new context. Could you please, next time, try giving at least half of a shit?

Christine tries to open America’s cube so she can escape, and for some reason, she takes like 10,000 years to do it. Isn’t there a manual override on this shit? But luckily, the Wish.com Avengers arrive on the scene to confront Wanda.

Let’s take a closer look at our team, shall we?

Reed Richards, the smartest man alive. He can stretch any part of his body (and I do mean any…make of that what you will). His vast intellect comes from the fact that he can literally stretch his brain to carry more information than normal capacity, and he has the quick thinking to act on that information faster than a regular person.
We have Black Bolt, who stays silent because he can kill someone just by speaking. If this continuity is true to the comics, he can destroy a planet if he screams loud enough. I don’t think even Wanda can counter that. I think the only way she could defend herself from such an attack is if she saw it coming. Like, if someone warned her in advance, for instance. But that would be just silly.
We have Black Captain Marvel who, if she’s anything like our Captain Marvel, is pretty much indestructible, to the point that she can destroy an empire class spaceship just by flying through it. She’s pretty much a god.
And then there’s Captain Carter. She might be a regular human but she presumably has the serum, meaning she’s pretty much at the peak of human strength, agility, and stamina. She’s rocking a vibranium shield, of course, and this iteration even has a jet pack to boot!

Not a bad lineup. And we’ve already established that this team will kill anyone if they’re even a potential threat. So they are absolutely just gonna kill Wanda. I mean, look how much damage she’s done already, to say nothing of what she’s capable of.

So Reed Richards steps up to the plate and he…tries to talk to her.

Wait, are you for real? She’s just killed everyone on her way here. There’s blood on her face. How do you think this is gonna go?

“Wanda you gotta stop being evil.”

“Well, I never thought of it like that!”

Okay, if you’re not gonna kill her right away, you’re gonna tell her why her plan is doomed to fail right? That is your smoking gun, here. All you have to do is explain incursions to her the same way you did to Doctor Strange. Something along the lines of, “Wanda, even if you kill us here, you’ll never get to have a life here with your kids.” That’s all you have to say. Don’t do something stupid, like try to appeal to her humanity or whatever.

Take a wild guess what he does.

Wanda makes it clear that she’s not here to negotiate, telling Mr. Richards it’s a good thing his own children will have a mother left to raise them when this is all over.

Damn.

So NOW you’re gonna kill her…right? Black Bolt just has to say “deez nuts” and it’s all over.

Well…good ol’ Reed Richards, gracious man he is, decides to give Wanda a fair chance and fucking TELLS HER ABOUT BLACK BOLT’S POWER.

YOU.

DUMB.

FUCKER.

So Wanda erases his mouth with magic and Black Bolt, who’s probably trained and disciplined his entire life not to make a sound because of the nature of his power, decides to let out a scream at this moment and his brain explodes.

Sigh.

Now you’re probably wondering how the rest of the Illuminati reacts to one of their comrades dying. Do they all gang up on her now? Do they at least yell out in shock and anger?

Well, Black Captain Marvel…does nothing!

Captain Carter…does nothing!

It’s Reed Richards who takes the initiative. He…stretches out one arm towards Wanda as slowly as possible.

I feel like crying now. Why are you all so stupid. Was the guy planning to grab her face or something?? Give her a tickle?

Wanda then turns all of Reed Richard’s limbs into spaghetti and finishes the job by popping his skull.

RIP to the dumbest moron who ever lived. Smartest man alive, my ass.

So then the remaining two members decide that now they should probably engage Wanda. The three of them tussle for a little bit, and during this tussle Wanda throws a statue at Black Captain Marvel to take her out of the fight. She’s fine, though. Because obviously a statue can’t do shit to Captain Marvel. That would be stupid. She’s indestructible, after all!

So Wanda fights Peggy one-on-one and says “haven’t you had enough?” to which Peggy responds “I can do this all day.”

Hey guys, remember the line? Remember how whenever Steve said the line, it actually meant something because it represented how he wouldn’t lose his spirit even when the odds were against him? The first time he said it, he was dealing with a bully in the street. Now we have this character saying the exact same line! Because whoever holds the shield is supposed to say the thing!

I also want to point out that Wanda spends a pretty decent chunk of time fighting hand-to-hand with this regular human. Wanda, who can remove limbs, vaporize people, etc.

I guess this is her being reasonable, too.

Fuck off, movie.

Peggy throws the shield, only for Wanda to catch it and throw it back at her, catching her in the torso and bisecting her to death.

Because Captain America can’t catch his shield when it’s thrown back at him, you see. That’s never happened before. I guess it was just coming in too darn fast.

But it’s not over! Black Captain Marvel is back in the fight! Now if anyone’s gonna come out on top, it’s her. She has powers from an Infinity Stone and she’s pretty much the MCU’s equivalent to Superman. The worst case scenario is these two coming to draw.

Or so you would think. You see, Wanda has a tactic she’s been saving just for her.

She does the unthinkable. She tosses Black Captain Marvel to the ground, and causes a statue to fall on her and kill her.

Let me say that again.

Captain Marvel is KILLED from a fucking STATUE falling on top of her.

I am not kidding.

Oh and I ALMOST forgot to mention that during all this, Strange is able to escape. How did he manage to do this when he was in magic-nullifying handcuffs, you may ask? Well, he pretty much taunts Mordo, saying “nyah nyah, you were always jealous of me lol”. And I guess Mordo is such a bumbling, insecure fool that this provokes him into fighting Strange. During this incredibly lame fight, Strange is able to detach one of the bracelets…and attach it to Mordo? Some more stuff happens that I honestly can’t explain because the editing is so floompy, but the long-and-short of it is that Strange is able to break the bracelet down the middle (man this thing is actually really fragile now that plot needs Strange to escape!) and leave Mordo stranded.

So Wanda starts making her way towards America’s cube, which Christine for some reason STILL can’t get open. Holy fuck woman, didn’t you build these things? I guess there really isn’t a manual lock on it because she’s resorted to trying to break it open with a fucking fire extinguisher, which she should know won’t work. But it’s all good, because America uses her powers to star-punch the glass open. It looks she didn’t know that would happen, which would mean America was about to break her hand trying to punch the glass open normally.

Also, what the fuck? I thought America was wearing the bracelets that nullify her powers. I thought she couldn’t control her powers, regardless. How is she able to use them now, you may ask?

I don’t fucking know. And the script doesn’t know either.

But then Professor X shows up and enters Wanda’s mind! Now, I’ve never seen the X-Men movies, but I do know that the mindscape is where this guy is at his most powerful. His telekinetic powers are top tier in most of Marvel canon. Wanda’s has plenty of raw strength, but she’s unskilled, untrained, and regularly doesn’t know how her own powers work. She should be utterly schooled in this department.

So Professor X tries to free 838 Wanda from the mindscape, and this is represented as him trying to pull her out from some rubble. There are some alarms sounding in the background, and the whole thing calls back to her ruined childhood home in Sokovia, and the inciting incident for Wanda’s life.

Admittedly, this is a nice touch.

But then a sea of red smoke comes in and twists Xavier’s neck in the mindscape, killing him in real life. That’s it. That’s what the battle between these two telepaths amounts to.

And THAT concludes the Illuminati. I hope to God you weren’t interested in seeing these chucklefucks in action.

During the mind battle, America escapes with Christine and they run into Doctor Strange. The cloak is back too! It’s been repaired. America gives Strange a big ol’ hug as if these two have had any chemistry for this whole movie.

Strange asks Christine to take him to the Book of Vishanti, and she asks how she’s supposed to trust him.

Are you fucking kidding me right now, Christine? The Scarlet Witch he was telling you about is real and has destroyed your entire organization, as well as the heroes of your world. The Book of Vishanti is the good book, remember? The one you used to stop Thanos? He’s obviously trying to save you guys. It’s all he’s tried to do since he got here. Even if Strange is lying it’s sure as hell a better shot than taking your chances with Wanda.

Fuck off, Christine!

Luckily America is able to convince Christine to trust this Doctor Strange because he’s “not like the others.”

Girl, you’ve known him for like a few hours at most! And how can you say he’s not like the others when you’ve only met one other Doctor Strange? Fuck off, America!

So Christine leads them down a corridor and Wanda gives chase. Why is she limping when she can fly? Because it looks cooler that way. Stop asking questions. Wanda chases them down a tunnel while destroying every blast door they put in her path. They close a final one and they just kind of stop and look to see if it actually worked which…No? The others didn’t work?? So why would this one?? Why aren’t you running?? They pause for like a good minute before she pops up for a cheap jumpscare. They then trap her with another blast door, this time flooding the area with river water, buying them enough time to make it to the space between universes.

You’ll notice that the space is completely empty, which is really odd considering this is the only Book of Vishanti in all of existence. Infinite universes means that an infinite number of Stranges (and a whole variety of creatures, really) are going to be jumping in and out of this space to use the book. Truthfully, it should never really be available because there will always be someone else who needs it.

Do you understand why you need to be careful when you’re writing about the multiverse? Do you see why you can’t just drop new, all-powerful magic items into the world like this?

Strange makes his way to the Book of Vishanti and gawks at it for a good five minutes when Wanda is probably right on their heels. Before he decides he should probably use it, Wanda appears and grabs America.

God damnit.

But Strange has the book in his hands, he could just use it to vanquish Wanda right here and now. But no. Instead, he fires a beam at her, and Wanda fires one back that overpowers his and burns the book.

The Book of Vishanti, the only one, ever, in all existence, is destroyed. Anyone who needs it, or will need it in future (and someone will), is now fucked.

Well done, you guys.

Wanda forces America to open yet another portal via mind control (I guess) and Wanda flings Strange and Christine through it instead of just killing them right here and now.

I mean the plot needs them to stay alive, so.

I want to point out that every single one of America’s portals so far in this movie have opened directly behind her. But if they acted the same way they have been, Wanda would’ve been pulled in too, and we can’t have that. So instead, this one opens near Strange and Christine.

I realize it probably doesn’t seem like this movie could have this many small and big problems, but it really does. Not to mention that I simply cannot cover everything. There are so many gaping problems that the mid-tier ones are starting to slip through the cracks! Time has not been kind to this movie, and I don’t think it’s gonna get any better. I keep having to come back and edit this page because I keep finding more issues that I’ve missed. There are inconsistencies within inconsistencies. The entire script is just a hemorrhage.

Believe it or not, I do try to be fair and point out good things whenever I find them in these movies I write about, but you’ll notice so far every neat bit I’ve picked out of this one has been superficial stuff, like acting and visuals.

It’s all so terrible 😦

So Wanda yanks America back to Earth-616 and gets ready to do the Big Succ on her. America tells her that this isn’t what her children would want and Wanda replies, “they’ll never know.”

Uhhhh how exactly do you figure that? Did you forget that your plan is to literally kill their mother and replace her? But in any case, we are going to remember that line because it’s important. The fact that Wanda says “they’ll never know” means she’s aware on some level that her kids would take issue if they find out what a monster she’s been. I want you to hold onto that. Put it in your brain-pocket.

ACT III (Sinister Strange and The Final Battle)

So Strange and Christine are in a tism-y version of…that’s right! New York! These portals are really something! The city is in the middle of incursion-ing so it’s pretty much falling apart. So Strange decides to find whatever version of him lives here since it’s their best bet to getting back home.

And they start walking.

So just in case you forgot the stakes, Wanda HAS America in her grasp. She has already begun succing her. The multiverse is pretty much on the brink of annihilation. And these two are walking. While they have the Cloak of Levitation, which, even if it can’t carry both of them at the same time, it can carry you guys to your destination one at a time.

Christine then quips, “Whatever happened here, this universe’s you didn’t do a very good job at stopping it.”

Jesus Christ, is it the responsibility of Doctor Strange to protect EVERY universe or something? How do you know this universe’s version of you isn’t the Sorcerer Supreme? How do you know this isn’t all your fault?

Fuck off, Christine! You are seriously taking the piss!

Doctor Strange then enters a spooky mansion and we’re introduced to yet another Strange. This one is disheveled and just has an evil look about him.

We’re gonna call him Incel Strange. You’ll see why.

Doctor Strange is like “hey buddy, I’m you” and he’s like “Oh yeah? Prove it.” It’s framed like a “say something only I would know” kind of situation, but uhh…hopefully I don’t need to explain how useless that is in this scenario.

Motherfucker, we’re talking about the multiverse. You two might have nothing in common. How exactly do you PROVE you’re from an alternate universe? Isn’t the fact that he’s standing here enough proof?

Regardless, it’s storytime, and Strange tells us about a time he was playing with his sister on a frozen lake when they were kids. Eventually the ice broke, the sister fell through, and Strange couldn’t save her.

Wow. This is really heavy stuff. I mean, yeah, the story is dropped on us out of nowhere but it informs so much about Doctor Strange’s character. This is an event that’s scarred him for life and it’s made him afraid of getting close to people. He’s afraid of not being able to save them. It adds a whole new context to the Ancient One’s line in the first movie, where she accuses him of “trying to control everything, even death.”

I have to say, we kinda have something here.

…but it’s too little, too late, movie! This is the kind of thing you allude to and develop over time! You could have leveraged this to build a relationship with America! You’re only getting half-credit for this one.

So this convinces Incel Strange that our guy is the real deal…somehow, even though Incel Strange might have saved his sister, or might not even have a sister, or literally an infinite number of other possible differences between the two. But whatever! We have about half an hour of movie left so we are moving right along.

Incel Strange says he isn’t happy (Remember? The “are you happy” line from before?) because he can’t be with Christine. So, get this, he’s been using the Darkhold to find other Doctor Stranges who aren’t happy….and killing them!

As you do.

He’s been finding and killing other Doctor Stranges because they’re sad.

WHAT IS GOING ON LOL

It is so fucking weird how the movie tries to make Christine so important to every Doctor Strange that she’s the deciding factor for whether or not he’s happy in his life. Are there no Doctor Stranges in the multiverse that just live a happy single life? Are there no Doctor Stranges who are gay (I guess they would have a Chris they’re pining after)? These are rhetorical, of course, because the answer is obviously yes. Do you understand what infinite universes mean? Christine was barely present in the first movie and she’s been a non-entity since. You can’t just decide she’s someone we should really, really care about all of a sudden, movie. You have to actually…be good first.

Incel Strange opens a THIRD EYE that’s rotobrushed so oddly it reminds me of the Annoying Orange and says he’ll give our Doctor Strange the Darkhold if he can have his Christine.

Just to hammer it in, this is the only Strange the movie portrays as unequivocally evil, and his entire motivation is he’s sad and wants a girlfriend.

Our Strange says “nah” so they fight. I feel like Doctor Strange could’ve just avoided this by lying to Incel Strange and saying whatever he wants to hear to get the Darkhold from him.

But hey! We finally get to have a COOL WIZARD FIGHT in the MCU! This should be exciting! So what do they do? Well, Doctor Strange fires some music notes at incel Strange! And then! Incel Strange fires some music notes back! Then Doctor Strange fires off some more music notes! And then incel Strange fires some back! And this goes on for some time! It’s a music note battle! Woohoo! I have no idea who’s winning or how any of this works mechanically!

But it looked cool, so who cares.

This all culminates in a music note EXPLOSION! Doctor Strange is fine but incel Strange gets knocked out the window and into one of his fence spikes, killing him right in front of Christine, who’s been outside waiting.

He wasn’t as lucky.

So he’s dead. That’s it. Incel Strange is just dead now, alright? We gotta move along, tick tock! There’s like ten minutes of movie left!

Back to Mt. Doom we see Wong starting to make his way back up to…

Wait, what the fuck? Wong isn’t dead?? HOW. He got thrown clean off the mountain! How the hell did he land on the SIDE of the mountain without cracking his skull? If the fall didn’t kill him, the harsh weather definitely should’ve. The boi should’ve been turned into wizard jelly.

So he starts climbing with a magic grappling hook…even though he has his SLING RING. And if you’re gonna tell me it doesn’t work here then this shit shouldn’t work either, you dumbass movie.

Back at the temple Wanda starts to do the big succ on America. Huh?? I would’ve thought all the blue tisms would’ve been out of her body by now. I guess Wanda really was just standing around and waiting all this time to get started.

Meanwhile, our Strange starts using the Darkhold to dreamwalk into Earth-616, and Christine makes another criticism of Doctor Strange’s character because that’s her job in this movie and she’s just been so good at it already. She’s not curious about why a variant of him is dead outside the house. She’s not curious about the third eye. She just immediately starts chastising him for using the Darkhold. She says, “I can’t believe it! You Stranges are all the same.”

Hey Christine? Do you mind shutting the fuck up? He’s trying to save the multiverse. What do you propose is the better idea, hmm? Do you propose you two just sit there and wait for the destruction of this universe?

Fuck off, Christine!

Doctor Strange doesn’t even make a counterargument, by the way. He just concedes, saying she’s right about all of them being the same. Unironically. After killing a version of himself that went crazy and started killing other versions of himself for being unhappy.

Seriously, fuck this movie.

So Strange asks Christine to protect his body while he dreamwalks and Christine asks, “Don’t you need a living body for that?” And Strange asks in response, “who said it has to be living?”

And…spooky scary! He dreamwalks into the corpse of Ponytail Strange! You remember Ponytail Strange right? They buried him on a roof instead of in the ground? Well this is the payoff for that!

But now it’s time for the part where I say “What the fuck, movie?”

What the fuck movie? You can dreamwalk into a dead body? Since when? There’s no bloodflow, the body isn’t functioning.

🤓 “Ibrahim, stop ruining the movie. It’s just magic. It doesn’t need to”—

Shut the fuck up.

At what point does the body have to be decomposed before he isn’t able to dreamwalk? Can he inhabit the body if it’s reduced to a skeleton? What if it’s been cremated?

Fuck it, whatever, movie. Just have your cool visual. Fine. I’ll excuse all of that. But the zombie body is in New York. How are you supposed to get to Mt. Doom all by yourself?

Well he uses his sling ring, duh.

YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

So Ponytail Strange had a sling ring the entire time?! He died because he could’ve used it and just chose not too! Fuck you movie! You just couldn’t give the guy a break, even if death, couldn’t you? Had to humiliate him one last time. And what’s more is that our Strange didn’t take it off his corpse either even though it’s extremely useful.

Very nice, very nice.

Zombie Strange makes it to Mt. Doom but then he’s attacked by the fucking SOULS OF THE DAMNED. They’re all like, “Stephen Strangeee! Possessing the dead is forbiddennnn! Nyaaaaaggghhhh!” And they start attacking him.

It’s kinda funny that possessing a living person’s body is a-okay but possessing a dead body with no agency of its own is taboo but SURE, MOVIE. I guess that’s how it works.

So Strange’s spirit (I guess) starts getting pulled down by the Damned and they start attacking Christine.

Uhhh Strange? I know you entrusted Christine to protecting your body and such, but what exactly did you think Christine was gonna hope to do against these creatures? They’re evil undead spirits and she’s just a human lady. But luckily, Christine finds some sort of magical weapon that 1) she recognizes, 2) she’s able to use skillfully, and 3) is able to kill the spirits…even though they’re already dead.

I don’t have a comment.

But the best part is when Strange is struggling against the demons and Christine just tells him to “use them.” And guess what? He does! Doctor Strange, the sorcerer, just needed someone to tell him he’s a sorcerer and that this is something he can do. And there’s this badass guitar riff like bwaaaaang!, as Strange begins CONTROLLING the souls of the damned through sheer force of will.

It just works! It just works.

And now we have this cool visual of Zombie Strange flying with demon wings for the trailer!

I hope it was worth it for you guys. I was confused as fuck in the theater.

The Scarlet Witch-worshipping golems start to attack Wong on his way up, and we even see that they can use Wanda’s magic. But Zombie Strange shows up and fucking kills them. So that’s it for those creatures.

And Wong starts cheering “Yeeeeah!” even though he has no idea what’s going on, who this Strange is, or if he’s even on his side. Strange does a cool little “I am awesome” pose and lands to fight Wanda.

Do you think you wanna help Wong up, maybe? Wong? Your buddy? The Sorcerer Supreme? The guy you came all this way for? Who’s currently hanging off a cliff? No?

Okay then.

So this is it! The final battle! And it sucks! Strange throws some of his new spirit friends at Wanda to distract her. Wong finally makes it up the mountain and he says, “I don’t even want to know!” Part of Wong’s character is his strict adherence to the rules, and he would be concerned that Strange is using the Darkhold, but haha funny!

I guess Wanda still hasn’t finished the Big Succ on America even though we saw a bunch of blue tisms leaving her body earlier. I guess it takes a reeeeeally long time. But I should mention that Wanda shouts out “You hypocrite!” to Strange, in relation to his using the Darkhold, which is fucking rich.

You are about to destroy the multiverse to kidnap someone else’s children.

He’s using it to save the multiverse from you.

Don’t try to play this like a “not so different” type of scenario, movie. Fuck off.

So Wong then tells Strange to take America’s power since “it’s the only way.”

Uh, Wong? How hard did you hit your head? If you take America’s power now, you’ll kill her, and then Wanda will just take it off you. You need to kill Wanda, while she’s trapped and distracted. You have a chance to end it all here.

But we gotta have our big payoff where Strange decides he’s NOT gonna take America’s power because he’s the GOOD Strange, not like those other ones that are pragmatic and will do whatever’s necessary to protect the world. Instead, he tells America to “trust herself.” He says every time she’s opened a portal, it’s led them exactly where they needed to go. Even the first time because it eventually led them here.

And that’s it. That’s all it takes for America to control her powers. All she needed was someone to tell her to get off her ass and do it.

It’s quite possibly the worst pep talk in the long, long history of film.

You are so full of shit, Doctor Strange. Are you seriously suggesting America was subconsciously choosing where to go? Did she subconsciously want her parents to be sucked into a portal? Why the hell did you guys “need” to go to Earth-838? What did you accomplish there besides getting a bunch of people killed? Did America subconsciously will for all those innocent people to die? The sorcerers at Kamar-Taj? The Illuminati? Do you realize this makes her culpable for everything that’s happened so far?

Fuck off, movie!

And you’re telling me THIS is what it takes to activate her powers? Really? Something he could’ve told her at ANY point in the film? Just believe in yourself?? We’ve already seen America punch things with her power during this movie! Do you guys remember what character arcs used to be like?

So Strange tells America the new plan: to “kick that witch’s ass!” But then Scarlet Witch breaks free of her…uh…”prison,” and starts melting Zombie Strange’s freaking skin off!

But America jumps into action!

She portal-punches Wanda right in the face and it’s apparently SO powerful it creates a massive shockwave throughout the entire mountain.

A punch that does THIS…

…should fucking obliterate Wanda on the spot. What are you doing right now, movie?

Wanda takes some more punches and she ends up teetering though a portal to fucking Mustafar, and instead of just closing it on her and leaving her for dead, America decides to punch Wanda into Earth-838, at the other Wanda’s house. The kids see her and start screaming for their mom. Scarlet Witch throws the other Wanda across the room so America goes to help her but Strange is all like, “No. not yet.”

What the fuck is your plan right now, dude? You explicitly told America to “go kick that witch’s ass.” You have zero idea what’s about to go down right now.

So the kids start throwing things at Scarlet Witch and it’s hilarious because she’s all stunned that these children aren’t thrilled to see an evil witch trying to kill their mom. She starts stammering, “I would never hurt anyone. I’m not a monster.” Then it dawns on her:

Ohhhhhh…I’M the asshole.

And I was like, “Yeah. You are.”

It is honestly bizarre that Wanda never considered that what she was doing was evil until she saw the kids huddled in the corner, crying. After ignoring EVERY attempt by the other characters to appeal to reason, THIS is what turns her around.

🤓 “But Ibrahim, she had to see it firsthand for it to truly sink in!”

Well, do you remember that exchange I told you to put in your brain pocket earlier? It went a little something like this:

[America]: This isn’t what your children would want.

[Scarlet Witch]: They’ll never know.

Wanda absolutely knows what she’s doing is reprehensible, and that it wouldn’t sit right by her kids if they knew. So you can fuck right off, hypothetical strawman I use to make my points. If Wanda acted consistently with the way she’s been this entire movie, her reaction here would be more along the lines of, “Welp. These kids are ruined. Time to find another pair.”

Fuck off, movie.

So the ‘good’ Wanda (dare I say) comforts her by saying “know that they’ll be loved.” And this is enough for Wanda to stop being evil. As if this is what she needed to hear all along.

I’m dead serious.

I can’t help but feel like another character said this exact same thing earlier and got THROWN OFF A MOUNTAIN FOR IT.

Also, uh, the movie will never address this, but this family’s life is ruined forever. These boys are gonna be scarred for life. An evil witch who looks frighteningly like their mom burst in through a dimensional portal and immediately tried to kill their actual mom. Speaking of which, this Wanda has a massive kill count on her hands. The Illuminati (or I guess Mordo and whoever’s left of them) are gonna have her executed. And even if they don’t, she’s going to be traumatized too, living the rest of her life in fear that someone, at any point, can invade her mind and make her do things she’ll have no memory of.

America escapes and promises to find Doctor Strange. She has no idea what universe he’s in, nor does he tell her. I guess we have to assume America can portal to people in different universes just by thinking about them.

Keep that underlined bit of information in mind because it’ll be very relevant very soon.

Wanda then collapses the entire temple on herself. It’s played like a heroic sacrifice, as if that’s been earned in any way.

Also, I’m not going to entertain the idea that Wanda is really dead. She isn’t. The character is way too popular to kill her off this way.

But the important thing is, this apparently destroys the Darkhold in EVERY UNIVERSE.

I’m not even gonna ask.

So Christine is all like, “Wanda did the right thing!” as if she’s talking directly to the audience members who would dare still have doubts about her. It’s not gonna work, movie! And Strange fucking AGREES. He agrees the Darkhold should be outright destroyed in every universe, despite having just saved the multiverse USING the Darkhold. Do you really think no other universe will have a situation where they’ll need the Darkhold? Do I need to remind you what “infinite” means? There is a universe where Strange is using the Darkhold to defeat Wanda right now and his book has just evaporated into thin air for no reason.

This whole movie, man. I can’t.

Regardless, it’s time to bid Christine farewell. Doctor Strange tells the woman he’s known for like an hour, “I love you in every universe.” Bit creepy since this isn’t even your Christine. And it looks like I need to beat you over the head with that “I” word again. You do not love her in every universe.

Can you believe there are people that think this is better than “I love you 3000”? For fuck’s sake.

Christine tells Doctor Strange to start facing his fears and stop being so afraid.

…Okay?

So. The epilogue. Strange is back at Kamar-Taj, and America is training to be a sorcerer.

That incursion coming along real nice…

Strange then asks Wong if he’s happy, to close out this wonderfully-constructed character arc. Wong basically says, “Eh. Some of my other selves might have it worse so it makes me grateful for my life.”

So there you have it, guys! If you’re ever wondering how to be happy, just…try to be!

We get one more scene with Doctor Strange and America. He tells her that her parents would be proud of her, and that one day she’ll them again.

Wait, what do you mean “one day?” She can control her powers now. She could go see them right now if she wanted. She can open portals to people just by thinking of them, remember? Yeah, they’re probably not alive, but you can’t tell me she hasn’t tried yet. Wouldn’t that have been the first thing she did!? Movie, this was like the one thing this character had, and you couldn’t even follow through?

Seriously, congratulations. I have no idea how but you’ve managed to do something I thought would be impossible.

You’ve assassinated the most low-effort character ever!

What a rollercoaster this movie has been.

We get a post-credit scene where Doctor Strange is taking a stroll but AH! He has a third eye! It’s spooky and scary!

Then we get another post-credit scene where Doctor Strange is taking a stroll…again…but then a portal opens. It’s a lady comic fans will recognize and she tells him he’s gonna help her stop an incursion. Strange opens his third eye (which is all chill now I guess), and he just…jumps in. No questions asked. Woohoo.

SUMMATION

SOME GOOD THINGS

Holy fuck that was awful. Let’s have a chat about it, shall we?

In the name of charitability, I’ll name some good things.

The VFX artists were at the top of their game here. The other universes are really creative, and it’s amazing what a team of CGI artists working in tandem can do. Benedict Cumberbatch and Elizabeth Olsen nail their performances here. Shame about the characters they play, though. Sam Raimi’s directorial style comes through in a lot of places. The cinematography makes it feel like he had a vision that he actually got to fully realize in this film.

Now onto the…less good things.

WORLD

Every time magic is introduced to this universe I understand it less and less. Now we have multiverse portal magic, magic books that can do anything the plot needs them to, witchcraft vs wizardcraft, and Magic Succ. Doctor Strange’s sorcery has lost any semblance of rules or limitations it even had. He can just do anything the plot needs him to. He can turn water into wine, lift the ink off sheets of paper, create magic buzzsaws, etc. but we can’t account for any of it, so he has a one-time limit on the spells.

The multiverse is supposed to be the main draw of this movie and it’s wasted. We get a lot of glimpses of some cool universes but we only visit a grand total of TWO. And the differences between them are trivial and boring (“In this universe red means go, and green means stop” sounds like an idea you come up with when you don’t have any ideas). The introduction of incursions ruins everything. Any future potential for this mechanic has been blown out the window. Visiting another universe immediately puts a timer on it. I have no idea why they would do this. Now we can’t have characters from different universes interacting with each other (Assuming future writers don’t just ignore this so they can write their own story). The movie won’t account for the events of No Way Home, even though they definitely would have created an incursion, nor the fact that America is pretty much a walking incursion. And I know this has gone completely over the writers’ heads because there is no conversation about either of these.

We get to meet alternate versions of familiar characters only for the film to tell us that they’re pretty much interchangeable. Alternate selves who lead entirely different lives, yet they struggle with the same flaws, even having the same quirks. I would think someone who wrote for fucking Rick and Morty would have an understanding of the multiverse that wasn’t so shallow and lazy. Even the slightest change can put your life into a whole new trajectory, completely changing who you are. As tism-y as What If is, even that show understood this basic concept.

Ever since Endgame, the multiverse has currently been the big draw for the MCU. But none of these filmmakers have any idea what it is, and none of them talk to each other. The rules for how it works and what the limits are change from movie to movie, and show to show. They’ll throw around terms like “timeline”, “realm”, “dimension”, “reality”, “universe”, and use them all interchangeably, confusing the everloving fuck out of anyone who wants to know what’s going on. One storyteller will explain in definitive terms for the story at hand, only for another storyteller to come out and say “The Ancient One just didn’t know what she was talking about” or “Professor Hulk is actually just a dumbass”. Loki was an absolute garbage fire too but this movie couldn’t even be consistent with that, despite being directed by the guy who wrote it! What the fuck was your excuse, Michael Waldron?

It’s the quintessential Phase 4 movie. A story that doesn’t work even without a shared universe behind it.

World: 1/10

PLOT

This script is allergic to the idea of cause-and-effect storytelling. Events just happen at a blinding pace. It’s as though the movie is afraid that if five seconds go by without something crazy happening the audience will fall asleep. It’s “This happens, and then this happens, and then THIS happens.”

There are infinite amounts of convenience and luck to go around, good AND bad:

It’s lucky that out of infinite universes, America just so happens to land in the one with the only GOOD Doctor Strange.

It’s unlucky that this is also the universe with the only Scarlet Witch who’s trying to kill her.

It’s lucky every universe our heroes land in is habitable, on Earth, and in New York.

It’s unlucky that Wanda was able to find the exact one they were in and inhabit a body that had some powers she did.

There’s a magical book out there that can just solve any problem that only the Sorcerer Supreme can know about, yet Strange didn’t know about it even though part of his character is his studiousness and willingness to learn. Would’ve been really useful against Thanos; shame it didn’t exist back then. Luckily it gets destroyed in this movie before we could actually see what it does. It’s so great that we can introduce reality-breaking plot elements just to remove them so we don’t have to account for them later!

Like I said, Doctor Strange and Wanda’s powers just do whatever the plot needs them too. Strange’s one-time use limit means he can only use powers once to show off how cool they are and never again. He can’t utilize portals to their full potential because they would end the movie. Wanda is without a doubt the most powerful being in the MCU now and she is willing to kill. But she has to use non-lethal moves to keep the plot going.

You cannot write magic this recklessly. If you throw rules and limits out the window just so you can have a cool thing happen, you are going to run into plot issues because you’re going to create questions of why characters don’t use certain spells when they would be incredibly useful. Don’t go full Harry Potter. You never go full Harry Potter. They’ve overloaded this world with so many useful techniques the characters HAVE to be incompetent or the stakes would be nonexistent.

Speaking of which, the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been in this movie. Yet everyone just walks around, cracking jokes with no sense of urgency. Strange decides not to call the other heroes because they’re too lame even though the entire multiverse is at stake. When just the one universe was at stake, they called in the entire world to defend it. The multiverse is at stake in this movie and we get magic archers.

Fuck off.

Plot: 1/10

CHARACTER

America Chavez is not so much a character as she is a living Macguffin. She’s just a multiverse-traveling device used to drive most of the conflict. Like, if you replaced her with the Tesseract, everything plays out. Her powers don’t activate unless the plot needs them to, until the final act when she decides “You know what? Yeah, I can control my powers!”

What an amazing character arc.

The closest thing we have in terms of motivation is a desire to see her parents, and the film just FORGOT to explore that even after unlocking her powers. We got a whole-ass flashback for it and they didn’t even pay it off. I have no idea how, but you managed to ruin your one character who’s barely even a character. That shouldn’t even be possible, but you found a way Disney! You fucking found a way! We get one small moment that might indicate she might know what she’s doing when it comes to traveling between universes, but then they undercut it for a quick jab at capitalism. She tells Strange not to make any assumptions about other worlds and then immediately assumes that food is free.

I would think that someone who’s been to as many worlds as her would come up really jaded. She’d be someone who had to grow up quickly, and learn not to get too attached to people. It’s dark, but I imagine she’d end up with something of a self-sacrificial streak over the course of the movie, thinking maybe she should die since she creates so much bloodshed in her wake. She could have been a mirror to Doctor Strange, and the film could’ve been about the two of them learning to connect with people on a personal level through their time together. Maybe Strange could instill in her that her life has inherent value in every universe. And that maybe, in the grand calculus of the multiverse, her life means more than her sacrifice.

What a waste.

And this is a small thing but why the hell is her name AMERICA Chavez when she’s Hispanic? She isn’t even from America in her own universe. I guess we just don’t have enough American-themed heroes.

The film remains blissfully unaware of the fact that she’s a walking incursion and will likely destroy this universe. No one even acknowledges it. Because we gotta set her up for the next MCU product. Because that’s what the MCU is all about now: The next thing.

The Illuminati were a complete joke. The idea that these are considered some of the smartest heroes in this universe can only mean that Wanda did the 838 world a favor by killing them. They decide a man who’s restrained and isn’t a threat to anyone is more dangerous than the Scarlet Witch killing everyone in the other room, all because of something their Strange did. What’s more is they decide he’s more dangerous than the girl who can literally travel the multiverse. They have a literal mind-reader on their team but decide to have a kangaroo court and just make a best guess that Doctor Strange might do evil things. They’re willing to execute anyone who’s CAPABLE of doing evil but decide the best way to deal with a reality-bending dreamwalker is to talk to her. And even then, they try asking her politely to stop instead of telling her that her plan is doomed to fail because she’ll cause an incursion. Only after she kills two of their members right in front of them do they decide to fight her…one at a time. What’s hilarious is that their MO of premature justice is identical to (along with HYDRA) Ammit from Moon Knight, someone who that show brands as evil. There’s no self-awareness on the part of the studio about this discrepancy despite these productions being released practically side-by-side. Every line to come out of their mouths is something backwards and idiotic, and they’re not even consistent despite being in the movie for like five minutes.

Thank you for bringing in these characters everyone wanted to see, only to kill them off in the most humiliating ways possible.

Wong is reduced to a background character despite being the Sorcerer Supreme. He’s the most helpful hostage ever to Wanda even after she gives him back his sling ring (an extremely useful weapon). The film seems to take every opportunity to show how slow, dim-witted, and weak-willed he is, when he seemed to be the straight arrow to Doctor Strange’s more unorthodox methods. Real shame, cause I like Wong.

Christine, like America, is not a character. She only exists to be a mouthpiece for the critiques the film wants to make on Doctor Strange’s character to facilitate one of his many “character arcs.” Everything she says is in relation to Strange. We have no idea of what kind of person she is, in the main world and the 838 world. We don’t know what put her on the path to becoming a multiversal research specialist, as opposed to being a surgeon. She doesn’t even seem to care all that much about the loss of her world’s heroes. There’s nothing inherently wrong with characters who are strictly utilitarian like this. In fact, Christine barely had a presence in the first movie because she was just a Muggle. She didn’t fit in the wizard story until somewhere in the second act, where her skills as a surgeon needed to come into play. She left because her purpose in that story was fulfilled, and she was never even mentioned since. But if you’re going to decide for this movie that Christine is someone Strange is very invested in, you need to put more effort in making her a person. You can’t just shove her in this movie and insist that she’s someone Strange is just obsessed with all of a sudden. The Christine we spend most of the movie with isn’t even the one Strange is familiar with! What exactly is he supposed to take away from his time with her? A line at the end about not being scared? Would be a nice sentiment if the idea that he ever was scared came up before the eleventh hour. Why does he need to learn this lesson anyway? Doctor Strange is a risk-taker. It’s what makes him stand out from the other sorcerers. What is she supposed to take away from “I love you in every universe?” She barely got to know him and they spent like an hour together. If anything, the line highlights how insignificant she really is.

Wanda Maximov

Good God. The movie seems self-aware about Wanda being a villain this time, until you realize, no, she’s still “sympathetic” and it’s the Darkhold that’s making her evil.

So then why doesn’t the Darkhold’s destruction halfway through the movie make her good again? Why is there no indication that she’s broken free from any sort of influence? If the Darkhold’s influence has a lingering effect, then why does she have a change of heart later in the movie? If she’s still under the Darkhold’s influence, then her decision to stop being evil at the end and sacrifice herself really doesn’t mean anything for her as a character. And if she isn’t then the Darkhold’s will really isn’t that strong to begin with because the user can just break free from its influence at any time. And if we’re assuming it has a will of its own, then it must be suicidal too because it doesn’t resist being slashed open in this universe nor does it resist Wanda destroying it in every universe, however that works.

Nothing about the Darkhold works in this movie no matter how you slice it. This is because it’s a plot device that was invented to absolve Wanda, and for no other reason. There was no further consideration into how much power it really has over her and what its place is in this universe. You can’t excuse all the killing and murder she’s done in this movie by saying it wasn’t her, then turn around and give her credit for the “moment of growth” she had at the end. Wanda either has agency in this movie or she doesn’t.

I’m positive she’s going to come back and she will just be a default “good person” again with a fresh slate despite murdering many, many innocents in cold blood and ensuring the 838 family’s life will be miserable. Her motivation is to reunite with her children and she apparently doesn’t relish killing people. So what does she do? She chooses the plan of action that results in the most needless violence and pretty much guarantees everyone will hate her. Because apparently the Darkhold turns you into a complete idiot on top of being evil. Her plan is completely nonsensical at every stage, and that’s before it’s all rendered moot by incursions. Admittedly, Wanda’s powers weren’t always clearly defined but they were simple in terms of limitations. She has telekinesis, and some degree of mind control. Now she’s just an unstoppable force because there are now no limits to her powers anymore. The movie simply can’t account for her infinite abilities because it would just end the minute she entered the room. She can kill people with a thought and change reality however she pleases. And she’ll do it, all in the name of being with some imaginary kids she magicked into existence. She doesn’t express a single shit about the people in her life who were actually real. No mention goes to Vision, Pietro, or her parents. No one bothers to call Hawkeye, the one character who might be able to bring her out of this mindset, as he’s been her rock before. All because he’s just a guy with a bow and arrow.

Wanda was introduced to us in Age of Ultron as a woman who was angry and resentful about being collateral damage in someone else’s war. Inflicting that exact same fate onto others and the tremendous guilt she would feel for doing something like that was an excellent place to take the character in Civil War, and it pushed her on the path to becoming a hero, an Avenger. Someone who could do some good in the world. And now she’s openly torturing and killing people on purpose so she can recover her fucking Sims file. Needless to say, she’s been thoroughly assassinated in this movie. As bad as WandaVision was, it took better care of the character. I really miss Wanda. I have no idea who this new character is at all.

Doctor Strange

What have you done to this character. Strange is dumb as hell in this movie. He’s far too trusting of everyone he meets. Apparently he knew about Westview but decided it was all good because Wanda stopped eventually. He even thinks approaching Wanda and asking her for help is a good idea. The movie ends with him jumping into action with a

COMPLETE STRANGER from another universe, no questions asked.

Remember in Thor: Ragnarok when Thor and Loki arrive on Earth, and the first thing he does is interrogate Thor and ask him what in the hell they’re doing on his planet? Well the serious and pragmatic Doctor Strange from that movie and Infinity War is completely gone in this movie. He’s just along for the ride, cracking jokes when the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been. In the last half hour of the movie, we get a story about his sister that might indicate why Doctor Strange is so prickly, but we abandon it immediately after because we have to the stupid music fight. It’s never come up before and it doesn’t come up after. And apparently it’s now part of his character that he’ll just straight up injure innocent civilians that give him a hard time.

I don’t care if this is a reference to Evil Dead or a Sam Raimi inside joke. In the context of this movie, Doctor Strange condemned a man to three weeks of torture because he wanted to get paid for his product. We shouldn’t have to see movies outside this franchise to get why this is supposed to be funny. What the writers failed to grasp when crafting the scene, is that characters are defined by their choices. Everything they do tells us something about who they are. This is not Doctor Strange. This is a caricature. Yes, he is a dick at times but he doesn’t needlessly attack innocents. This is screenplay 101 for writing a villain and it’s flown right over the writers’ heads.

Even more so than Wong, the film goes out of its way to just rake Doctor Strange’s character through the coals, reminding you at every opportunity that he’s hypocritical and short-sighted and he always has to be the one holding the knife. Even though Doctor Strange “holding the knife” usually results in the world being SAVED. And he’s completely selfless when doing it too. He was willing to die thousands of times to stop Dormammu. He left it up to fate and sent the Avengers on the one path that led to Thanos’ defeat, even though it meant he would die too.

Even Defender Strange was going to take America’s power to save the multiverse. He didn’t have a great choice, but he had a choice. Either take her power and kill her, or allow the monster to take her power, dooming her and the multiverse. He made the best call he could’ve at the time. And how is treated for the rest of the film? He’s killed, made fun of, branded a traitor, and his corpse is literally paraded around for the finale.

Illuminati Strange committed a horrible act by destroying a universe, but he immediately renounced use of the Darkhold when he realized what he did and accepted execution. Not much more you can do in terms of making amends, but the film is happy to treat him like an example that Doctor Strange only puts people in danger across every universe.

Incel Strange, the only who actually is completely out of line, is also a complete caricature. He’s just crazy and obsessed with Christine. And he unceremoniously dies before we learn anything meaningful about him. What was the point?

One of Doctor Strange’s character arcs is about learning that he isn’t always going to be in control…except he already had this arc in the first film. He had to learn to surrender control in order to learn the mystic arts. This led to him internalizing the idea that breaking the rules is necessary sometimes for the greater good. But now he learns in this movie that breaking the rules just makes you a hypocrite. You need to stick by your principles 100% even if it endangers the world, or the entire multiverse.

You have embarrassed this character, tearing him down at every turn just so the villain can “kind of have a point.” You made him a side character in his own movie. He doesn’t participate in the final battle. A movie with two magic users, and they couldn’t even give us a cool wizard fight. Disney has taken a character I liked and turned him into a complete joke, while letting another character make all the meaningful choices.

Character: 1/10

THEMES

What’s there to say? Doctor Strange has like five character arcs in this movie and they’re all spread so thin. The line “are you happy?” gets repeated throughout but we get nothing for an answer. The closest thing is when Strange asks Wong at the end of the movie and he says he can appreciate his universe despite its tribulations. So if you’re not happy…try to be because an alternate version of yourself might have it worse?

Next is the needs of the few vs. the needs of the many. Strange is very utilitarian and has shown that he will put the world before the individual. But we don’t explore the effect that might have on a person. We don’t explore how the events of Infinity War and Endgame had him basically lead

a man to his death and any guilt he might have over that. Instead he’s treated like a hypocrite for giving the Time Stone to Thanos, and making the hard call to save the universe further down the line. His arc in this movie is learning to put the world at risk by doing everything to save one girl. A girl who, by the movie’s own rules, will destroy the universe eventually.

There’s also learning to get close to others even when you can’t always save them. Not sure what to say here because, again, besides the story about Strange’s sister, we don’t do anything with this. Strange and America spend like half an hour together and America just decides he’s the “good” Doctor Strange. We could’ve had Strange try to teach America throughout the movie and kill two birds with one stone. You could create a relationship between them by swapping the dynamic and having Strange become a teacher this time, AND give America an arc where she learns to control her powers instead of just deciding she can at the last minute. And I already talked about how there’s a potential arc here for America herself, had the writers cared to give her anything for a personality.

Themes: 1/10

OVERALL

I’ve never seen an MCU film so at odds with itself, let alone the other films in its franchise. This movie claims to be a sequel, but in reality you can safely watch it without seeing the first Doctor Strange or WandaVision. In fact, your understanding of those properties will actually hurt your understanding of this one.

The Mirror Dimension being inescapable without a sling ring? Not anymore.

Wanda learning to accept that people in her life are gone now and she needs to move on? Hmm? What?

Sylvie being the one to open the multiverse? Nope, the multiverse was always open. In fact, dreams are actually windows into our multiversal selves.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is not the kind of movie you’re supposed to think too much about. Whereas good movies get better the more you think about them, this movie rewards you with frustration and psychic damage. It’s the kind of movie you’re supposed to watch, feel things in the moment, and then forget about when you leave the theater, with some vague feelings of “That was cool! Can’t wait for the next one!”

It is a product to be consumed, through and through.

It leaves no legacy, nothing to take away, only a craving for more. Thor: The Dark World is boring but it is comprehensible. This “story” barely qualifies as one, as the events are stitched together with children’s glue and string cheese. Everything is beholden to cool visuals and emotional payoffs, at the cost of the writing or anything making sense.

Overall Assessment: 1/10

PERSONAL

I’ll level with you guys. I saw this movie three times. On my first viewing, I thought this movie was neat. I enjoyed it less the second time. And now I utterly resent it.

You might have picked up on this already, but of the four pillars I assess a story with, character is the one I personally value most. I can ignore dumb plot stuff. I can ignore a lack of worldbuilding. I can even ignore botched themes. But if you fail my characters, you will utterly kill any investment I had. The Suicide Squad is a shining example of this. The plot is nonsensical in that movie. But the character writing is near-perfect. It’s why I adore that movie despite its flaws. Stranger Things 4 has lots of dumb plot stuff. It’s still my favorite season in the series because there’s such great work with the characters, leveraging almost every relationship built over the past three seasons. Even Black Panther: Wakanda Forever has things I give the movie a lot of shit for, but I can divorce those issues from my enjoyment of the movie because the characters are (mostly) intact. This movie is a broken down mess in every department, but it is an absolute horror show when it comes to character writing. I get depressed talking about all of them, but it especially hurts when it comes to Wanda. She was a character I really liked in prior Phases. Having to watch her slowly morph into this monstrous ghoul was a gradual experience that hasleft me feeling empty. I say she’s not dead (and she isn’t) but I honestly wouldn’t care if she was. I don’t care enough to want to see her again. I’m no longer invested in her story. If WandaVision stuck the knife into my interest, this movie twisted it and yanked it out, bleeding it until it’s become a dried husk. When I think about Wanda’s portrayal in this movie, part of me wonders why I spent 50+ pages writing about anything else. It’s where most of my resentment stems from, because the whole movie revolves around her and her dumbass plan. And the only reason they did any of it is because it looks cool and this movie wanted to do horror. It looks cool to see Wanda be an evil witch. It looks cool to have all these scenes where she gets to be the movie monster and deliver so much carnage. It looks striking to have blood on her face and watch her limp around like a zombie. That was the motivation behind all of this. It’s so shallow. I’ve laughed a lot at this movie’s expense, but the truth is it’s really hard for me to watch this character I grew to appreciate for her conscience and willingness to do good in the world, try to achieve such monstrous goals and doing it in the stupidest ways possible.

Personal Rating: 1/10

Ibrahim Noir

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